Day 5-5th december (night)

Day 5-night

Candles were lit up..

The lighted candles marks the start of praying over session after that day mass..

Its sort of wonderful to be able to play the organ for mass. But its even more enriching and exciting to be playing the organ everyday for this trip. Somehow whenever i play a song, i can feel God's presence strongly within me.. That feeling is what i call "simply brillant".. Its even better then the feeling i got after knowing i did 37 incline pull-ups in 30seconds during napfa this year compared to 20 for the previous years..

okie..before the praying over session, Nino assigned me to play the organ during the whole praying over session..to play songs which are slow and to play them many many many times..So i played these songs-As the deer, Seek Ye First and Still..

So it was until my brother shuff me off the organ chair and he started playing As the deer[which i had taught him :)] that i had my turn for praying over. Somehow i know that my heart is stiff and stubborn, not wanting to surrender my all to God even though i've been trying to do that for 6months already..I just cannot open out to Him..Somehow in that process, i felt very worthless and hopeless in the eyes of God..A person with no value..Even though Father gave me a hug and assurance not to worry so much, i just couldnt stop my mind from controlling myself..

When i played the hymns again, there was this unease in my heart, my hands was just very hot. Even though i felt his love, and his love for everyone, i still somehow know that i could not give my all to the Lord. Tears wanted to fall, but somehow they couldnt fall. My heart was aching like crazy, i fell into a state of trama..Kept thinking that i was useless..i almost gave up..

At that point of time, everything seemed very worthless, the faith in me were somehow gone, i didnt feel like talking, i didnt feel like praying..Inside me was another state of chaos..

But somehow in the midst of chaos, where faith was all lost, God was there for me..He sent me friends to stop that flame in me from dying..

First it was Natalie who came to pat me..then it was Anne-Marie, Genevieve and Lynette..

They all tried talking but all i did was just keeping quiet, refusing to talk to any of them..From lying on the organ, i migrated to the back of the chapel and i lied down there, hoping that all of them will just go away as in me..

Instead, Anne-Marie just went up and patted me..she tried talking no matter how many times i just turned her away, refusing to acknowledge whatever that was said..After like a hundred times, i just gave up and told her what happen and that i felt super worthless and hopeless and that i felt very burdened..Then she asked me if i ever heard the story of Jonah and the whale before, being in some kind of trance i shook my head and she started ..

JOnaH and the Big Fish

God told a prophet named Jonah to go to a country called Nineveh to tell the people there that they were sinning and doing bad things. God wanted them to know that if they kept being wicked that he would destroy all the people in there city.

Jonah did not want to tell the people in Nineveh what God had told him to tell them. So, Jonah got on a ship to go in the opposite direction to a city called Joppa.

Jonah did not do what God had asked him to do. Jonah disobeyed God. Because Jonah disobeyed, the ship was in a big storm and the lives of everyone on it was in danger.

The people on the boat wanted to know who had done something wrong. Who was the cause of the storm. Jonah told them that he had disobeyed God. The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, "what should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us ?"

Jonah told them " pick me up and throw me into the sea," he replied, and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you. "Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before.

Then they cried to the LORD, "O LORD, please do not let us die for taking this man's life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O LORD, have done as you pleased." Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. At this the men greatly feared the LORD, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows to him.

The Lord sent a big fish to swallow Jonah. Jonah stayed in the big fish for three days and three nights. While he was in the fish Jonah confessed his sin and asked God to forgive him, because he did not obey God and go to Nineveh like God had asked him to.

God heard Jonah's prayers and told the fish to go to shore and vomit Jonah out.

Then the Lord spoke to Jonah, again. Go to Nineveh and give the people there the message I give you. So Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord and went to Nineveh. and went to the city where he tell them God's message: "Forty days from now and Nineveh will be destroyed.

The people believed God and they all gave up their violence and evil ways. They went on a fast and began to ask God for forgiveness. When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not destroy the city.

But Jonah was angry when God decided not to destroy Nineveh. He wanted Nineveh to be destroyed, because of the evil they had done. God told Jonah that it was not right to be angry and selfish, because the Lord God almighty is gracious and compassionate , slow to anger and abounding in love.

Jonah in the story was now me.. He didnt trust God.He was afraid of what he had to do so he tried to run away.. I'm kind of scared too, scared of what lies ahead for me.. I want to trust God but somehow i just cant give him my all..I know he will take care of my problems, my future, but i somehow just cant stop worrying about everything..

Just lied on the floor with Anne-Marie talking to me..I just love her for treating me like a sister to her..Then she told me something that really shooked me off from that trance of denial..

AM: "Do you know that Genevieve and Lynette are still here sitting down there"

ME: "No"

AM: "Do you know why they are here still waiting?"

ME: "No"

AM: "cause you have touched their them"

ME: "NO..i'm just a worthless idiot"

I doubt i have touched people..But i know that i felt seriously guilty after knowing that there were people waiting for me. I'm just touched that even at the point of time where i wanted to stray away from God, he was there sending me friends to help me..Genevieve and Lynette, i have only known them for like 5days yet they were there waiting for me..i was touched, really touched..somemore Genevieve just came back from the hospital today morning and she needed to rest yet she was still waiting..

On my way back, Natalie was there and she gave me a hug..I went up to the room and went to the balcony to stare at the stars..My heart was still stubborn..only that my mind was dead..Then AM went there to drag me to sleep before she went out to do stuff..Then Genevieve was there patting me..then she fell asleep..and i decided to pend my thoughtes down

Even though i was in a midst of a chaotic situation..People were sent by the Lord..and because of him I truly felt loved by the people around me especially my roommates, lynette and natalie..

May God bless them abundantly..